Haha! Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earthwould an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?""Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; oncein a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Autistic License

It has been proven to be scientifically impossible to think of the color green while yawning. There is one exception to this rule: autistics. In fact, this is a fairly foolproof test of whether a person is autistic or not. If you can yawn and think of the color green at the same time (not the word "green", but the color itself) you are autistic.